We here at the Perilous Resort concierge service pride ourselves in bringing every guest’s darkest fantasies to life. But frankly, even as jaded as the staff here can become, the request these three beautiful women made came as an unexpected surprise. Friends since college, they’d first met at the college cheerleading try outs, where all three made the squad. And yet, fiercely competitive, they’d searched in vain for the ultimate test to prove once and for all which one of them is the superior woman. It wasn’t until just 6 short months ago that they’d finally found their ultimate test when they’d watched in horror as a woman went to her death in the Resort’s Iron Maiden. Listening to that woman screaming in agony as she died they finally understood the true deadly nature of that ultimate test they’d sought for so long.

We here at the Resort’s concierge service tried to explain to these women that the Resort’s Iron Maiden isn’t the crude medieval instrument of torment they’d come to believe. The Resort’s Iron Maiden employees the latest in early twenty-first century medical knowledge. Form fitting and utterly claustrophobic the Resort’s Iron Maiden gives its victims no chance of quickening their torturous demise, even the position and length of the spikes lining the Maiden’s interior are scientifically positioned to maximize a woman’s agonizing torment while prolonging their unspeakable suffering. We tried to explain that of the hundreds of woman who’d already gone to their deaths in the Resort’s Iron Maiden the quickest took almost 28 hours to die, the longest lasted just over 42 hours.

The three women exchanged knowing smiles and then the one sitting at the middle replied, “Of course, but this is our test, to see which of us is truly the superior woman.” Pausing to slide a thumb drive across that table, she continued, “OK, so here’s the deal. That thumb drive contains the access codes for three financial transfers, each valued at 30 million dollars. What we want is three identical Resort state-of-the-art Iron Maidens placed within a suitably diabolical medieval setting and for all three of us to be consigned to our torturous deaths at the same moment.”

Smiling darkly, the woman paused to glance at her two friends before continuing, “90 million, three willing victims, three Resort Iron Maidens, we die together.” Seeing the sudden look of alarm on the Resort’s concierge representative, she quickly followed, “All three of us are already Perilous Resort Vacation Club members, it’s just we want something more. So, here it is, the one who survives the longest gets the full resort conversion process, the losers also get the same conversion process but have to spend the next 50 years as Perilous Resort pleasure and pain snuff toys. And the winner, of course, will get priority dungeon booking with the losers for the next 50 years.”

Three pretty maidens, slowly dying in unrelenting agony, all in a row. Welcome to the Resort...